i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
