I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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