Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
