SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love you. Go after that dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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