i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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