she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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