Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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