Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
