office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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