I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
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Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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