Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
