tonight lets celebrate not being married
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
