i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
