I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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