Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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