Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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