Please, let me fuck your mom
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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