I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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