If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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