two words: eviction party
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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