I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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