Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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