I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
