no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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