Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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