I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
