How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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