I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
