my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.