I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
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First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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