There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
