I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
