Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
