bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
