He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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