What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
