you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pee around me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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