I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
