We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
