we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
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Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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