I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
