Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
