Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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