im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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