I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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