i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
