you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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