Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
