wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
