Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
