In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
