I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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