Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
