Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm really busy with my period
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